Wandering in the Wilderness

So here I am... traveling down a new path that God put me on. I am in a place I had never expected to be. North Carolina. I had NEVER thought of moving to North Carolina until I was in the relationship. I had a reason to move here. Now I don't have a reason to be here... So what is my reason for staying? I could go anywhere in the world! I moved 1,000 miles away from home to be here, so I could always move another 1,000 miles away if desired.

This kind of thinking has left me in a state of confusion. I have a million questions. Why am I here? Do I stay here? What is Gods purpose for me here? If I moved, where would I go? What is next? What is the plan? Since I moved to North Carolina I have felt like I am just wandering. I do not have a plan. I do not know Gods plan. I am cluelessly and aimlessly wandering around. I can not yet see the bigger picture.

When I feel like this I think of Jesus' 40 days in the wilderness. The Holy Spirit led Jesus into the wilderness, where Jesus was then tempted by Satan. What happened during that time in the wilderness was essential. He trusted God and did not give in to temptation.

I can not help to think that I am currently in a season of wandering in the wilderness. I am in a place I do not know. I had no family or friends once I moved here. I know that this wilderness does have the ability to transform my heart in many unexpected ways; I just have to stay clear of temptation and live by The Word. 

Many times we do not know we are wandering into the wilderness until we are already there. We can end up there in the blink of an eye. This wilderness can seem like a desolate and lonely place. We have to remember that we are not simply wandering but we are wandering with a purpose. God allows us to go into this wilderness knowing that Satan will tempt and test us. It may seem like a frightening situation; However during this time we have to remain confident in the fact that we are NOT alone. God is walking with us every step of the way. We must keep praising and serving God as we navigate through the unfamiliar circumstances. Our faith will be tested, yet we must remain strong and persevere. If we do this we will see Gods grace in the most difficult of situations. 

PRAYER:

Dear Heavenly Father, As I continue this journey You have led me on fill my heart with joy and peace. Allow me to take comfort in knowing that You are with me. Give me strength to stay clear of all temptations that come my way and allow me to keep You first. As I navigate these unfamiliar circumstances help me to persevere through all things. I pray that You will transform my heart in many unexpected ways. In Jesus name I pray. Amen. 

Road Closed...

As many of you already know in September 2016 I decided to venture out and make a big decision. I made a choice to move 1,000 miles away from home. Away from my family. Away from my friends. I moved to a little city in North Carolina called Havelock. I did this with intent that I would no longer have to be in a long distance relationship. The relationship seemed to be getting pretty serious and I believed at the time that removing the distance would be the next best thing for the relationship.

Some of you already know this, but... that relationship ended pretty quickly after I moved here. For me it was like I started driving down the road. I could see my destination. I knew what I wanted. I knew how I was going to get there. Then suddenly out of no where a road closed sign appears. The route I though I was supposed to take I could no longer go.

I think that when God puts up a road closed sign he simply has an alternative route planned. A better route. What can be hard to accept is that sometimes this alternative route will take longer for us to reach our destinations. We think we are ready for something, however, God disagrees. He leads us down a different route because we are not ready. There are still lessons to be learned. He wants us to grow and be ready for everything that He plans to give us.

We have to Trust in Him. We have to Trust that He is doing what is best for us, even when we feel hurt. A relationship ending is always going to hurt, no matter the circumstances. What you do once you reach that road closed sign is what really matters. What do you do?

Take the next best step. That step is to keep going. Keep learning. Keep growing. He is just better preparing us for the great things He has in store for us. So no matter the hurt. No matter the obstacle.
Know that what is to come is so much more better than what you could had ever imagined. So trust Gods plans and thank Him for giving you a new path!

PRAYER:
Dear Heavenly Father, I know that you are guiding me every day and for that, I thank you. You know my future and I rely on Your stength and Your goodness to guide me! When a road closes I can trust that You have an even better alternate route planned. Better than I could had ever imagined. As you guide me, heal me. Heal all my pain and take away of all my doubts. Allow me to take the most away from all obstacles that I face and learn from every lesson. Help me to grow in you Father, God. In Jesus name I pray. Amen. 

twelve months toward happiness - my weight loss journey

The first year after high school I became vegetarian and then a vegan, I was vegetarian for 6 months and then vegan for 3 months. At that moment in my life I found myself working out often. Soon after, I realized I was now at my lowest weight. Unfortunately and unexpectedly all of this changed when I jumped into a relationship. From my relationship I acquired extremely terrible eating habits and stopped going to the gym. Long story short I began gaining weight excessively; Within a matter of approximately 4 years, I realized that I had gained 100 lbs. I became miserable within every aspect of my life. I was especially unhappy with myself for allowing this happen.

This is more than embarrassing to say, however, May 2015 I weighed a total of 285 lbs. It was the first time I realized that I had let myself gain over 100 lbs, which is over 25 lbs a year.

At this point in my life I can proudly come out and say that I have lost 90 lbs. I am now 195 lbs and in less than a year's time! Personally this is one of my biggest accomplishments. I have yet to reach my overall goal, but I am happy; I'm no longer self conscious. I am still in pursuit of my goals. I still have many accomplishments that I desire to reach and will seek them with all my heart until met.

I owe this all to my faith in God. Faith in God has done so much for me in the past year. It wasn't the weight loss that led me to become so happy, it was having Him by my side in all I do. So much good has came my way since I began my journey in God. He has definetly blessed me! I am so fortunate that I found Him! I look forward to growing with Him in all aspects of my life! I know God has great plans for me!

"Have faith in God. I tell you, you can say to this mountain, 'May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,' and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart."
Mark 11:22-23

what shall transpire?

I tend to feel very misplaced in many aspects of my life. The area I desire to express my struggles and hardship is within my family life. I deeply care for my family members unfortunately I feel as if I am constantly underappreciated. I rarely identify with my family, at many times I feel immensely alienated. I simply don't fit in with my family. I attempt to be as supportive and warmhearted towards my family as feasible, which is both arduous and back-breaking. I have consistently felt compelled to provide assistance to my sisters and their families on numerous occasions. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind helping my family when in need, nonetheless it can be both gratifying and very enervating. I love my neices and nephews to pieces which is why my decision is a difficult one to come to. However one must decide what circumstance is most advantageous for themselves. I don't want to be held back by anything or anyone.

I have elected that as soon as I graduate next May I must proceed onward with my journey. Which means I must take a step outside of my comfort zone and move away from Michigan or no less than to the opposite side of the state. I feel as if I am being held back here, living here is undeniably limiting and mentally draining. As I come to this conclusion I recognize this next year will be critical as it will ultimately enormously influence my decision as to what is next for myself.

The most difficult decision will not be leaving my family but leaving my church. My church is astounding, I am touched by the message the holy spirit delivers toward me every week. I am so privileged to be able to call Valley Family Church, my church. This is why relocating would be an extremely difficult decision for me to make, however I can go anywhere from here. There are so many alternatives for me after undergraduate school. I could attend graduate school to obtain my Masters either here in the US or overseas, I could embark on my new career as a behavioral analyst, I could start a family of my own, I could travel overseas and venture on a journey, the possibilities are never ending. At this moment the specifics as to where my life will lead is unrevealed. Only God knows what will transpire in the next year.

"I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." - Jeremiah 29:11

don't EVER lose your way!

This weekend reminded me of how far I have came. How much I have done for myself. How much good I have in my life and how blessed I truly am! It reminded me of how much I don't want to go back to the "old" me. I decided to sit down and write myself a letter in case I ever do lose my way. A note to remind me of what is really important in life. 

Everything that I currently have I don't wanna give up. I love doing things for myself and for others. I am more independent and confident than I have ever been. I love how happy I am with my life. 

It can be so easy to lose your way in this life. Sometimes life throws at you too many options, you don't know which is the right way to go or which option to choose. You don't want to make a wrong choice or decision and end up unhappy or regretting it. However we all know too well that it can be very hard to know what choice is the right choice. Luckily we have someone who can guide us into the right direction. This is God. God guides us. God forgives us. God blesses us. God strengthens us. God heals us. God loves us. If you have God in your life you know how much he can do for you. However you have to have faith. 

We all know we must continuously grow and change in this life. If you aren't growing in an aspect of your life you won't end up where you should be. You won't be happy. You will be at a standstill. There are people who tend to halt you from that growth. Sometimes you have to leave those people behind and continue your journey without them. Don't ever let someone hold you back from something!

In my letter to myself I included little reminders. Sometime I use the reminders daily as they can be little things that are easy to forget. 

Number one: Don't ever lose yourself. Don't forget your dreams and goals and don't let anyone hold you back from them. 

Number two: Be patient. Patience is something I am currently mastering. I have a lot of patience, however I don't ever want to lose this. A sense of peace come to one's self and mind when they have patience. 

Number Three: Don't get mad at small things. The small things in the world are what get us. They have their way of building upon one another crushing us. We need to see them as they truly are SMALL THINGS. Why get mad over them, its pointless and causes more halm to oneself. 

Number Four: You don't always have to be right. Sometimes instead of causing a fight its better to just go with the flow of things. Its can be easier too and sometimes even lead to more fun. So don't worry about whether or not you are right. 

Number Five: You don't need to be perfect to be happy. This one is hard for me. I tend to want everything to be perfectly planned out, however that isn't the way things are always meant to be. A lot of times it is simpler, easier, and more enjoyable to just go with the flow of things and not stress about them. 

Number Six: Find joy in the little things. I sometimes look up at the blue sky or the sun and it just brings me an overwhelming amount of joy and peace. You can find these things everywhere you go. From birds sitting on a line to the stars coming out at night. There is beauty everywhere in the world that brings moments of joy. 

Number Seven: Love with all your heart. If you choose to love someone, Love them with all you have. Love them with every piece of your heart. Don't hold back and don't be afraid to let someone in. 

Number Eight: Never stop smiling. Smiles are the best thing anyone can wear. I walk around with a smile on my face constantly because I love my life. Smiling can also be contagious, when you give someone else a smile they will more than likely smile back at you.  

Number Nine: Be Happy. This one is simple and comes from all the other things. Just simply be a cheerful, joyous, smiling individual. Always think positively and never negatively. Don't worry about the little things and live happily. 

Number Ten: Be yourself. This is the best one. It is to be yourself. You aren't anyone if you aren't you. Don't be afraid to be yourself, even if you are a little weird. 

Trust God's Love

Life can be hard! For me right now, in my life, I have so much stacked up! I have always been one to worry about everything a year in advance. For many that is a good thing, however worrying about the whole next year every single day can be really strenuous on the mind and soul.

I have more stressors than I am comfortable to list but here is my short list. Getting good grades (BA or higher) in all my classes, finishing homework on time, acing every quiz and exam, studying and preparing for daily classes, getting into grad school, paying for classes this summer, paying for bills, trying to find time to work, obtaining a position that will allow me to earn enough to pay for school and my bills, starting my first practicum this summer, getting ready to take the GRE this summer, actually taking the GRE, helping my sister move into her house, fixing up my sisters old house, moving into my sister's old house and finally living alone, becoming a mentor to a new little sister (BBBS), volunteering at my church every week, attending church every week, continuously growing my relationship with God, living a healthier lifestyle, working out, goal of running a 5K in 27 minutes, reaching my goal weight by the end of the summer, maintaining my relationships with my current friends, forming new relationships with new friends, hanging out with my neices and nephews, maintaining my relationships with my grandma and sisters, traveling somewhere new christmas break, getting into the classes I need in order to finish school in May, and graduating next May. 

I have many other worries, all causing a great deal of stress and/or pain. These ones are probably causing some of the most stress as I am trying to find the time to do everything. I am constantly thinking about each and everyone of those stressors, trying to find solutions to relieve my stress, however sometimes there are no current solutions.

I know the solution to all my problems is to stop worrying and to pray on it. And pray on it I do. However I am still having trouble with the stop worrying part. Praying helps, however I often find myself lying awake in bed for hours, restless, no matter how hard I try to stop thinking about it. 

This week has been really hard! I have been feeling really down. I'm not sure exactly why. My guess is too much worrying and all the stress building up. The anniversary of my mother's death was sunday and today, March 23rd, is her 43rd birthday. Tonight is just one of those nights where I just feel like breaking down and crying, and that's okay. I am going to pray to God, I know he will hear me and I know he is looking after me. He has a plan for me that I yet do not know nor understand. I just know that everything does happen for a reason. So good will come from the stress and pain I am feeling now.What God has planned next for me will be great! The first one in my family with a bachelors degree, I will be a BCaBA. I will reach so many of my goals in the next 12 months. 

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. 

 - Philippians 4:6-7

We all have our own problems and worries. We all have our own stress and pain that we each deal with. We must all must give them to god and pray on them. One of my favorite sayings: If God brings you to it he will bring you through it. So trust the Lord with all your heart and Pray. 

MARCH MADNESS

March is a stressful month for me. It is the anniversary of my mother's death, March 20th and also my mothers birthday, March 23rd. There are some things the heart will NEVER get over. For me this will always be the loss of my mother. She was always a big part of my life. The reason I did everything I did. This month is hard for me because it brings back the emotions of the worst day of my life.

There are some things that are hard to talk about and this for me has always been one of those things. I want to share my story of that day. 

It was an unusually bright and sunny morning. I woke up early for school along with my sisters. My mother allowed me to drive her jeep to school every morning. I was the only one of my sisters with their drivers license, so I was the only one she allowed to drive her jeep. That morning as I was leaving for school my mother was also leaving the house, she was getting into her truck with my sister Heather. I started up the jeep and looked at the fuel tank and it was running low. I quickly walked over to my mother's truck as I didn't want to be late for school and asked her for gas money. She joked about how I was her most expensive child and how I was always asking for money and handed me $10 for gas. I questioned her, whether or not she would be home or working when I return home later that evening after softball practice. She told me she should be and that she didn't have work for the day just one quote, but should be home before myself. As I was getting into the jeep I responded and said, "okay, thanks, I will see you when I get home, love you!" She responded, "you only love me for my money." I quickly rolled my eyes as I had expected her to say that and quickly shouted back to her, "love you" once again. She shouted back, "love you too."

As I was pulling out the driveway I remember thinking to myself, What would I do without my mother? I couldn't imagine life without her. An unwanted suicidal thought quickly filled my head, as I thought to myself, I couldn't live without her! She was such a great mother. My relationship with my mother was the best and strongest it had ever been at that point in my life. 

It was just a normal day at school and softball practice. Nothing out of the usual. I drove home, hopped out of the jeep and walk into my house. To my surprise I walk in and the house is completely quiet, I think, where is everyone? I look in my moms room and she wasn't home. The house was empty. My sisters were at my grandmas house next door, so I started walking toward my grandmas. One of my sisters was outside, when out of nowhere my mothers boyfriend, at that time, his grandmother and grandfather pulled up next to them and told them my mother was in the hospital in St. Joe and that she was in an accident. This part is kind of a blur. I was just confused as to why she was not home when she said she would be home. 

Next thing I know I am sitting in the back seat of my grandmothers van as she is driving to the hospital. My little sisters Ora and Taylor sitting next to me crying, extremely worried, and expressing their concerns as if my mother was dying. I get upset! I demand that they stop crying and expressing their awful worries aloud. I hate when peoples minds jump to the worst possible scenario. They didn't know what exactly was going on, no one did. I told them that everything would be okay and that she is going to be fine. I try to keep them from worrying. In my mind I hoped that it was nothing more than maybe a broken leg and arm. I start thinking to myself, what is she is bed bound? I am going to have to stay home and take care of her. I would do anything for her. I run through my mind a million other scenarios, all in hopes for the best and that she was coming home with us. I am always one to keep my cool in stressful situations. I try to keep everyone from worrying and always hope for the best outcome.

When we finally arrive at the hospital we enter and they inform us she is in need of a CAT scan and we would be updated as they have more information. Sitting against a wall we spot her boyfriend crying. He sees all of my family and immediately starts apologizing, "I am so sorry" he cries. I had never seen someone so distraught. My mind suddenly turned from trying to remain positive to extremely negative. My uncle demands to know exactly what happened. He starts telling his story and my mind suddenly goes blank. I can't think, I sit against the wall hearing from his mouth what exactly happened. That he didn't know why she came running toward the tree as it was falling. He didn't know what she was thinking. His story is mostly a blur. When he told the stoty out loud, I realized I was wrong. I realized that this is more serious than a few broken bones. I realized that I was so wrong to tell my sisters to stop crying. At that moment I knew it was serious, sitting against the wall, I began to plead to God not to take my mother. I hoped that no matter how critical her condition, I get to keep my mother.

Time seemed to go by fast. Felt like I was only sitting for maybe 15 minutes when a doctor came out and asked for the family of Cathrine Novak to follow him. We were all asking questions, we wanted to see our mother and just know what was going on. It was just like how you see in a movie. He said to us,"you might want to have a seat." Someone said to the doctor, "just tell us what is going on." He finally then stated, "we took her in to get a CAT scan, while trying to get the scan her heart had stopped, we brought her back and re attempted the CAT scan however her heart kept stopping and she fought hard and didn't want to give up but we couldn't bring her back." At that very moment, my heart stopped and all I could do is cry. I secluded myself from my sisters in the corner and broke down. We were all shocked and we were all in tears of despair. We never imagined that this could happen to us and our mother. My grandma reassured us, "It is okay, I will take care of you guys."

We were allowed to see my mother at the hospital and tell her Goodbye. This was the hardest moment of my whole entire life. We walked into a room with curtains drawn to find my mother laying on her back with a tube sticking out of her mouth with blood in it. I walked in and could barely stand to see her like that. I touched her hand and started crying some more. I gave her a kiss and said I love you one last time before I walked out the room.

In the hospital I didn't think of anyone but myself and my mother. How I lost my mother. How it all affected me. Later in life I realized how self centered I was at this moment in my life. My grandma was there for me. Who was there for her? Never once did it cross my mind how hurt my grandmother was. She definitely didn't show it to us. She was strong when we were all weak. She was the backbone in our family. She had just lost her only daughter and was able to hold it together. My mother always said, "the hardest thing would be to lose one of you girls." she wanted to die before any of her children did. My grandma had just lost a child, the thing my mother said would be the hardest to overcome. I wish I was more considerate at a younger age and thought more how it affected each and every one of us. I regret that I wasn't there for my grandma and feel horrible all the time for having always just thought of myself. 

My mother was a fighter. She fought her whole life. She was a single mother that raised five girls! She always did her best and she never gave up. Even the doctor the day she died said she fought for her life. My mother was able to have one grandchild before her time was up on this earth. Her name is Lilliann, we will be celebrating her birthday March 19th along with my nephew Caleb, his birthday March 11th (today). We recently celebrated my other nephews birthday, Kaedin, on March 6th.

God saw that she was getting tired

And a cure was not to be,

So He put His arm around her and 

He whispered "Come Home With Me".

With tearful eyes we watched her

And saw her pass away;

Although we loved her dearly

We could not make her stay.

A golden heart stopped beating, 

Hard-working hands at rest;

God broke our hearts to prove to us

He only takes the best.