don't EVER lose your way!

This weekend reminded me of how far I have came. How much I have done for myself. How much good I have in my life and how blessed I truly am! It reminded me of how much I don't want to go back to the "old" me. I decided to sit down and write myself a letter in case I ever do lose my way. A note to remind me of what is really important in life. 

Everything that I currently have I don't wanna give up. I love doing things for myself and for others. I am more independent and confident than I have ever been. I love how happy I am with my life. 

It can be so easy to lose your way in this life. Sometimes life throws at you too many options, you don't know which is the right way to go or which option to choose. You don't want to make a wrong choice or decision and end up unhappy or regretting it. However we all know too well that it can be very hard to know what choice is the right choice. Luckily we have someone who can guide us into the right direction. This is God. God guides us. God forgives us. God blesses us. God strengthens us. God heals us. God loves us. If you have God in your life you know how much he can do for you. However you have to have faith. 

We all know we must continuously grow and change in this life. If you aren't growing in an aspect of your life you won't end up where you should be. You won't be happy. You will be at a standstill. There are people who tend to halt you from that growth. Sometimes you have to leave those people behind and continue your journey without them. Don't ever let someone hold you back from something!

In my letter to myself I included little reminders. Sometime I use the reminders daily as they can be little things that are easy to forget. 

Number one: Don't ever lose yourself. Don't forget your dreams and goals and don't let anyone hold you back from them. 

Number two: Be patient. Patience is something I am currently mastering. I have a lot of patience, however I don't ever want to lose this. A sense of peace come to one's self and mind when they have patience. 

Number Three: Don't get mad at small things. The small things in the world are what get us. They have their way of building upon one another crushing us. We need to see them as they truly are SMALL THINGS. Why get mad over them, its pointless and causes more halm to oneself. 

Number Four: You don't always have to be right. Sometimes instead of causing a fight its better to just go with the flow of things. Its can be easier too and sometimes even lead to more fun. So don't worry about whether or not you are right. 

Number Five: You don't need to be perfect to be happy. This one is hard for me. I tend to want everything to be perfectly planned out, however that isn't the way things are always meant to be. A lot of times it is simpler, easier, and more enjoyable to just go with the flow of things and not stress about them. 

Number Six: Find joy in the little things. I sometimes look up at the blue sky or the sun and it just brings me an overwhelming amount of joy and peace. You can find these things everywhere you go. From birds sitting on a line to the stars coming out at night. There is beauty everywhere in the world that brings moments of joy. 

Number Seven: Love with all your heart. If you choose to love someone, Love them with all you have. Love them with every piece of your heart. Don't hold back and don't be afraid to let someone in. 

Number Eight: Never stop smiling. Smiles are the best thing anyone can wear. I walk around with a smile on my face constantly because I love my life. Smiling can also be contagious, when you give someone else a smile they will more than likely smile back at you.  

Number Nine: Be Happy. This one is simple and comes from all the other things. Just simply be a cheerful, joyous, smiling individual. Always think positively and never negatively. Don't worry about the little things and live happily. 

Number Ten: Be yourself. This is the best one. It is to be yourself. You aren't anyone if you aren't you. Don't be afraid to be yourself, even if you are a little weird. 

Trust God's Love

Life can be hard! For me right now, in my life, I have so much stacked up! I have always been one to worry about everything a year in advance. For many that is a good thing, however worrying about the whole next year every single day can be really strenuous on the mind and soul.

I have more stressors than I am comfortable to list but here is my short list. Getting good grades (BA or higher) in all my classes, finishing homework on time, acing every quiz and exam, studying and preparing for daily classes, getting into grad school, paying for classes this summer, paying for bills, trying to find time to work, obtaining a position that will allow me to earn enough to pay for school and my bills, starting my first practicum this summer, getting ready to take the GRE this summer, actually taking the GRE, helping my sister move into her house, fixing up my sisters old house, moving into my sister's old house and finally living alone, becoming a mentor to a new little sister (BBBS), volunteering at my church every week, attending church every week, continuously growing my relationship with God, living a healthier lifestyle, working out, goal of running a 5K in 27 minutes, reaching my goal weight by the end of the summer, maintaining my relationships with my current friends, forming new relationships with new friends, hanging out with my neices and nephews, maintaining my relationships with my grandma and sisters, traveling somewhere new christmas break, getting into the classes I need in order to finish school in May, and graduating next May. 

I have many other worries, all causing a great deal of stress and/or pain. These ones are probably causing some of the most stress as I am trying to find the time to do everything. I am constantly thinking about each and everyone of those stressors, trying to find solutions to relieve my stress, however sometimes there are no current solutions.

I know the solution to all my problems is to stop worrying and to pray on it. And pray on it I do. However I am still having trouble with the stop worrying part. Praying helps, however I often find myself lying awake in bed for hours, restless, no matter how hard I try to stop thinking about it. 

This week has been really hard! I have been feeling really down. I'm not sure exactly why. My guess is too much worrying and all the stress building up. The anniversary of my mother's death was sunday and today, March 23rd, is her 43rd birthday. Tonight is just one of those nights where I just feel like breaking down and crying, and that's okay. I am going to pray to God, I know he will hear me and I know he is looking after me. He has a plan for me that I yet do not know nor understand. I just know that everything does happen for a reason. So good will come from the stress and pain I am feeling now.What God has planned next for me will be great! The first one in my family with a bachelors degree, I will be a BCaBA. I will reach so many of my goals in the next 12 months. 

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. 

 - Philippians 4:6-7

We all have our own problems and worries. We all have our own stress and pain that we each deal with. We must all must give them to god and pray on them. One of my favorite sayings: If God brings you to it he will bring you through it. So trust the Lord with all your heart and Pray. 

MARCH MADNESS

March is a stressful month for me. It is the anniversary of my mother's death, March 20th and also my mothers birthday, March 23rd. There are some things the heart will NEVER get over. For me this will always be the loss of my mother. She was always a big part of my life. The reason I did everything I did. This month is hard for me because it brings back the emotions of the worst day of my life.

There are some things that are hard to talk about and this for me has always been one of those things. I want to share my story of that day. 

It was an unusually bright and sunny morning. I woke up early for school along with my sisters. My mother allowed me to drive her jeep to school every morning. I was the only one of my sisters with their drivers license, so I was the only one she allowed to drive her jeep. That morning as I was leaving for school my mother was also leaving the house, she was getting into her truck with my sister Heather. I started up the jeep and looked at the fuel tank and it was running low. I quickly walked over to my mother's truck as I didn't want to be late for school and asked her for gas money. She joked about how I was her most expensive child and how I was always asking for money and handed me $10 for gas. I questioned her, whether or not she would be home or working when I return home later that evening after softball practice. She told me she should be and that she didn't have work for the day just one quote, but should be home before myself. As I was getting into the jeep I responded and said, "okay, thanks, I will see you when I get home, love you!" She responded, "you only love me for my money." I quickly rolled my eyes as I had expected her to say that and quickly shouted back to her, "love you" once again. She shouted back, "love you too."

As I was pulling out the driveway I remember thinking to myself, What would I do without my mother? I couldn't imagine life without her. An unwanted suicidal thought quickly filled my head, as I thought to myself, I couldn't live without her! She was such a great mother. My relationship with my mother was the best and strongest it had ever been at that point in my life. 

It was just a normal day at school and softball practice. Nothing out of the usual. I drove home, hopped out of the jeep and walk into my house. To my surprise I walk in and the house is completely quiet, I think, where is everyone? I look in my moms room and she wasn't home. The house was empty. My sisters were at my grandmas house next door, so I started walking toward my grandmas. One of my sisters was outside, when out of nowhere my mothers boyfriend, at that time, his grandmother and grandfather pulled up next to them and told them my mother was in the hospital in St. Joe and that she was in an accident. This part is kind of a blur. I was just confused as to why she was not home when she said she would be home. 

Next thing I know I am sitting in the back seat of my grandmothers van as she is driving to the hospital. My little sisters Ora and Taylor sitting next to me crying, extremely worried, and expressing their concerns as if my mother was dying. I get upset! I demand that they stop crying and expressing their awful worries aloud. I hate when peoples minds jump to the worst possible scenario. They didn't know what exactly was going on, no one did. I told them that everything would be okay and that she is going to be fine. I try to keep them from worrying. In my mind I hoped that it was nothing more than maybe a broken leg and arm. I start thinking to myself, what is she is bed bound? I am going to have to stay home and take care of her. I would do anything for her. I run through my mind a million other scenarios, all in hopes for the best and that she was coming home with us. I am always one to keep my cool in stressful situations. I try to keep everyone from worrying and always hope for the best outcome.

When we finally arrive at the hospital we enter and they inform us she is in need of a CAT scan and we would be updated as they have more information. Sitting against a wall we spot her boyfriend crying. He sees all of my family and immediately starts apologizing, "I am so sorry" he cries. I had never seen someone so distraught. My mind suddenly turned from trying to remain positive to extremely negative. My uncle demands to know exactly what happened. He starts telling his story and my mind suddenly goes blank. I can't think, I sit against the wall hearing from his mouth what exactly happened. That he didn't know why she came running toward the tree as it was falling. He didn't know what she was thinking. His story is mostly a blur. When he told the stoty out loud, I realized I was wrong. I realized that this is more serious than a few broken bones. I realized that I was so wrong to tell my sisters to stop crying. At that moment I knew it was serious, sitting against the wall, I began to plead to God not to take my mother. I hoped that no matter how critical her condition, I get to keep my mother.

Time seemed to go by fast. Felt like I was only sitting for maybe 15 minutes when a doctor came out and asked for the family of Cathrine Novak to follow him. We were all asking questions, we wanted to see our mother and just know what was going on. It was just like how you see in a movie. He said to us,"you might want to have a seat." Someone said to the doctor, "just tell us what is going on." He finally then stated, "we took her in to get a CAT scan, while trying to get the scan her heart had stopped, we brought her back and re attempted the CAT scan however her heart kept stopping and she fought hard and didn't want to give up but we couldn't bring her back." At that very moment, my heart stopped and all I could do is cry. I secluded myself from my sisters in the corner and broke down. We were all shocked and we were all in tears of despair. We never imagined that this could happen to us and our mother. My grandma reassured us, "It is okay, I will take care of you guys."

We were allowed to see my mother at the hospital and tell her Goodbye. This was the hardest moment of my whole entire life. We walked into a room with curtains drawn to find my mother laying on her back with a tube sticking out of her mouth with blood in it. I walked in and could barely stand to see her like that. I touched her hand and started crying some more. I gave her a kiss and said I love you one last time before I walked out the room.

In the hospital I didn't think of anyone but myself and my mother. How I lost my mother. How it all affected me. Later in life I realized how self centered I was at this moment in my life. My grandma was there for me. Who was there for her? Never once did it cross my mind how hurt my grandmother was. She definitely didn't show it to us. She was strong when we were all weak. She was the backbone in our family. She had just lost her only daughter and was able to hold it together. My mother always said, "the hardest thing would be to lose one of you girls." she wanted to die before any of her children did. My grandma had just lost a child, the thing my mother said would be the hardest to overcome. I wish I was more considerate at a younger age and thought more how it affected each and every one of us. I regret that I wasn't there for my grandma and feel horrible all the time for having always just thought of myself. 

My mother was a fighter. She fought her whole life. She was a single mother that raised five girls! She always did her best and she never gave up. Even the doctor the day she died said she fought for her life. My mother was able to have one grandchild before her time was up on this earth. Her name is Lilliann, we will be celebrating her birthday March 19th along with my nephew Caleb, his birthday March 11th (today). We recently celebrated my other nephews birthday, Kaedin, on March 6th.

God saw that she was getting tired

And a cure was not to be,

So He put His arm around her and 

He whispered "Come Home With Me".

With tearful eyes we watched her

And saw her pass away;

Although we loved her dearly

We could not make her stay.

A golden heart stopped beating, 

Hard-working hands at rest;

God broke our hearts to prove to us

He only takes the best.

Game Changers - February Edition

What a month it has been! February! A lot has happened this month! We are officially half way through the Spring school semester! Mid term finals are complete and we are on spring break! I am starting my pre-practicum along with planning my summer and fall schedules. I am starting to think about graduate schools and graduate program. This month has just been a busy busy month full of all good!

I can't say anything bad about the month of February. This year was a leap year! We were able to get the chance to have twenty nine days instead of the regular twenty eight days. We had some beautiful weather and we were also able to  enjoy a couple of snow days. My February was filled with Love, Blessings, and Lessons.

LOVE

February is known as the month of love with valentine's day being at the center. The biggest thing you can do is love yourself. This makes so much of a difference, to see yourself through loving eyes. This can enhance your self esteem and make you an overall happier person. I am blessed I am slowly learning what it means to love yourself and to live for God. I lived too long loving others more than I loved myself. I've always put others before myself. Before you choose to love someone else, MAKE SURE YOU LOVE YOU! If you don't love yourself first you will suck the happiness and the energy from those around you. You will become a leach.

Something a lot of people try to do while finding themselves and loving themselves in getting into a relationship. You can't get into a relationship with anyone other than God when you are soul searching and are in the process of filling your life with love. You however do need to surround yourself with warm hearted people and remember to relax and focus on your own spirit, soul, and body. You need to make sure you are taking time for yourself. I am happy to say this is one of my accomplishments. Every month I continue to find myself surrounded more and more around those with big and loving hearts. This I cherish! I pray for these people one by one every night. I know God hand selected each and everyone of these individuals to make a difference in my life maybe in just this one season of my life or maybe in multiple seasons of my life.

TREAT YOURSELF

I think it is important as a single woman to spoiled yourself. I don't need anyone to buy me a gift for valentine's day, when I can just buy myself whatever I want. I think it is important to spoil yourself at least once a month. Buy yourself a few nice things. Maybe a new pair of shoes, a new bottle of perfume, a new dress, or a new outfit, or maybe even 5 panties from victoria's secret for $27.50. I really spoiled myself this month. I used to go to the store think, oh this would be nice for this person, or I should buy her this, and so on. I didn't shop for myself. It sounds selfish when saying it, but for the first time in my life, I don't feel obligated to buy other people things instead of buying for myself. I feel extremely blessed that I was able to spoil myself this month.

GIVING

However you must remember to give. Don't be too selfish. Every month I give what I can to my church. I don't feel obligated to give. I just want to be able to help someone else who may be struggling. I want my money to be circulated, God gave me a little extra cash or time, so I put it to use. I don't give all my extra money to my church. If I see a tip jar, I will alway try to leave a tip. If someone asks for a donation, I will donate. If there is a homeless man I will give them a couple of bucks. I also try to help my family. If I see my neices or nephews in need of something I will try to get it for them. I try to give when I can and where I can.

My life is changing. It is changing for the better every single day. I probably say this everytime I write, but I am just so excited to see what God has in store for me! I know he has great plans!