March is a stressful month for me. It is the anniversary of my mother's death, March 20th and also my mothers birthday, March 23rd. There are some things the heart will NEVER get over. For me this will always be the loss of my mother. She was always a big part of my life. The reason I did everything I did. This month is hard for me because it brings back the emotions of the worst day of my life.
It was an unusually bright and sunny morning. I woke up early for school along with my sisters. My mother allowed me to drive her jeep to school every morning. I was the only one of my sisters with their drivers license, so I was the only one she allowed to drive her jeep. That morning as I was leaving for school my mother was also leaving the house, she was getting into her truck with my sister Heather. I started up the jeep and looked at the fuel tank and it was running low. I quickly walked over to my mother's truck as I didn't want to be late for school and asked her for gas money. She joked about how I was her most expensive child and how I was always asking for money and handed me $10 for gas. I questioned her, whether or not she would be home or working when I return home later that evening after softball practice. She told me she should be and that she didn't have work for the day just one quote, but should be home before myself. As I was getting into the jeep I responded and said, "okay, thanks, I will see you when I get home, love you!" She responded, "you only love me for my money." I quickly rolled my eyes as I had expected her to say that and quickly shouted back to her, "love you" once again. She shouted back, "love you too."
As I was pulling out the driveway I remember thinking to myself, What would I do without my mother? I couldn't imagine life without her. An unwanted suicidal thought quickly filled my head, as I thought to myself, I couldn't live without her! She was such a great mother. My relationship with my mother was the best and strongest it had ever been at that point in my life.
It was just a normal day at school and softball practice. Nothing out of the usual. I drove home, hopped out of the jeep and walk into my house. To my surprise I walk in and the house is completely quiet, I think, where is everyone? I look in my moms room and she wasn't home. The house was empty. My sisters were at my grandmas house next door, so I started walking toward my grandmas. One of my sisters was outside, when out of nowhere my mothers boyfriend, at that time, his grandmother and grandfather pulled up next to them and told them my mother was in the hospital in St. Joe and that she was in an accident. This part is kind of a blur. I was just confused as to why she was not home when she said she would be home.
Next thing I know I am sitting in the back seat of my grandmothers van as she is driving to the hospital. My little sisters Ora and Taylor sitting next to me crying, extremely worried, and expressing their concerns as if my mother was dying. I get upset! I demand that they stop crying and expressing their awful worries aloud. I hate when peoples minds jump to the worst possible scenario. They didn't know what exactly was going on, no one did. I told them that everything would be okay and that she is going to be fine. I try to keep them from worrying. In my mind I hoped that it was nothing more than maybe a broken leg and arm. I start thinking to myself, what is she is bed bound? I am going to have to stay home and take care of her. I would do anything for her. I run through my mind a million other scenarios, all in hopes for the best and that she was coming home with us. I am always one to keep my cool in stressful situations. I try to keep everyone from worrying and always hope for the best outcome.
When we finally arrive at the hospital we enter and they inform us she is in need of a CAT scan and we would be updated as they have more information. Sitting against a wall we spot her boyfriend crying. He sees all of my family and immediately starts apologizing, "I am so sorry" he cries. I had never seen someone so distraught. My mind suddenly turned from trying to remain positive to extremely negative. My uncle demands to know exactly what happened. He starts telling his story and my mind suddenly goes blank. I can't think, I sit against the wall hearing from his mouth what exactly happened. That he didn't know why she came running toward the tree as it was falling. He didn't know what she was thinking. His story is mostly a blur. When he told the stoty out loud, I realized I was wrong. I realized that this is more serious than a few broken bones. I realized that I was so wrong to tell my sisters to stop crying. At that moment I knew it was serious, sitting against the wall, I began to plead to God not to take my mother. I hoped that no matter how critical her condition, I get to keep my mother.
Time seemed to go by fast. Felt like I was only sitting for maybe 15 minutes when a doctor came out and asked for the family of Cathrine Novak to follow him. We were all asking questions, we wanted to see our mother and just know what was going on. It was just like how you see in a movie. He said to us,"you might want to have a seat." Someone said to the doctor, "just tell us what is going on." He finally then stated, "we took her in to get a CAT scan, while trying to get the scan her heart had stopped, we brought her back and re attempted the CAT scan however her heart kept stopping and she fought hard and didn't want to give up but we couldn't bring her back." At that very moment, my heart stopped and all I could do is cry. I secluded myself from my sisters in the corner and broke down. We were all shocked and we were all in tears of despair. We never imagined that this could happen to us and our mother. My grandma reassured us, "It is okay, I will take care of you guys."
We were allowed to see my mother at the hospital and tell her Goodbye. This was the hardest moment of my whole entire life. We walked into a room with curtains drawn to find my mother laying on her back with a tube sticking out of her mouth with blood in it. I walked in and could barely stand to see her like that. I touched her hand and started crying some more. I gave her a kiss and said I love you one last time before I walked out the room.
In the hospital I didn't think of anyone but myself and my mother. How I lost my mother. How it all affected me. Later in life I realized how self centered I was at this moment in my life. My grandma was there for me. Who was there for her? Never once did it cross my mind how hurt my grandmother was. She definitely didn't show it to us. She was strong when we were all weak. She was the backbone in our family. She had just lost her only daughter and was able to hold it together. My mother always said, "the hardest thing would be to lose one of you girls." she wanted to die before any of her children did. My grandma had just lost a child, the thing my mother said would be the hardest to overcome. I wish I was more considerate at a younger age and thought more how it affected each and every one of us. I regret that I wasn't there for my grandma and feel horrible all the time for having always just thought of myself.
My mother was a fighter. She fought her whole life. She was a single mother that raised five girls! She always did her best and she never gave up. Even the doctor the day she died said she fought for her life. My mother was able to have one grandchild before her time was up on this earth. Her name is Lilliann, we will be celebrating her birthday March 19th along with my nephew Caleb, his birthday March 11th (today). We recently celebrated my other nephews birthday, Kaedin, on March 6th.
God saw that she was getting tired
And a cure was not to be,
So He put His arm around her and
He whispered "Come Home With Me".
With tearful eyes we watched her
And saw her pass away;
Although we loved her dearly
We could not make her stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
Hard-working hands at rest;
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best.
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